glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
