nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
