Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
