whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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