I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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