guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
