The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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