I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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