And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
