I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
