I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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