I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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