he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
