halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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