What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
