I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
