Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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