I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
