I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
