Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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