Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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