85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
