i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
