When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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