took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
