When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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