Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
