I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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