Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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