Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
