dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
