I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
