i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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