Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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