i was born a porn star she said
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
