its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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