I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
