Please, let me fuck your mom
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
