peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
