I feel great
I just peed on a car
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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