I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
