My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
