me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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