Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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