Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
