So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
