im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Four minutes until I can fart!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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