mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
