I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
