enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
