A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
