I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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