i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
