so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
