Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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